Author Topic: help make my script better!!! starbug2001
posted 02-25-2001 06:00 PM
Hi there. I'm a film student about to direct my film, but I suck at script writing...and I think my script still needs a lot of help in making things clear, more interesting, and make sense.
Its an artsy film, with very little dialouge, but the dialogue in it sucks (so i've been told) And people have trouble understanding the story, and whats going on.(Maybe i do too)
Can someone PLEASE help me, by reading my script (its only 6pgs) and giving me some professional advice? What would make this story work? The only thing I can offer in return for your time is...a very big THANK-YOU!
Go to www.angelfire.com/movies/myscript/WINGSCRIPT2.doc

starbug2001
posted 02-26-2001 08:58 PM
Anyone? please???

World_Empire_Films
posted 02-26-2001 09:11 PM
hold on im comin to save ya!

DigiteyeZ
posted 02-27-2001 01:08 PM
i'm reading it right now!

DigiteyeZ
posted 02-27-2001 07:32 PM
well this isn't actually proffessional advice, but advice nonetheless. First of all, the story has great symbolism, nicely written. The only problem with the dialogue is that it doesn't explain enough. Here are some things that were unclear to me:

1) When Jeff says he wants things to work, he's just "...just very sorry" THAT should be changed. You could replace that part with some meaningful dialogue saying WHY Jeff wants things to work. Otherwise, why does he care to come back?

2) What happened in the beginning? Why did Jeff just walk away like that? Was he mad? scared? He says "yeah, so i better go soon..." after she says "you are the best thing in my life" Is he afraid of committment? In Anna mad at him only because he couldn't say the same to her? Was this supposed to be a fight? I mean, Jeff walks off without saying anything, and then suddenly Anna's on the ground crying. I was thinking what's going on?

3) So am i right that the whole first half was a dream (with flashbacks of real happenings). She was upset first that she was "free" (didn't have Jeff). Then seeing birds again at the end makes her realize how her freedom is not an enemy but something desirable to her. Was Jeff a jerk then or what? Because she talks to herself in the car, planning what she'll say, then decides not to go see him. She's then really free when she makes her decision to turn around and go back to the beach on her own. Right?

4) Anna should say "Why can't I just be like you?" instead of "we all". This is her wish for freedom.

So, anyway, you've got an interesting idea. I think the hardest part is making the audience care about the characters, and feel what they're going through. Right now you have nice imagery and symbolism, which could be represented beautifully on film, but your dialogue needs to tell more about what happened to their relationship.

By the way, what does "O.S." mean after the person's name?

Tn
posted 02-27-2001 08:12 PM
DigiteyeZ, basically said what I was thinking, except better . There is no real attachment to the characters, because the dialog doesn't really give people anything to care about. Am I right in thinking OS is Off Screen?

starbug2001
posted 02-27-2001 10:09 PM
THANK YOU SO MUCH DIGITIZE! Youre awsome!
Youre right about the dialogue...It sucks..and I'm not sure what I can add to make the people care about the characters...should I change the beggining to a fight? For instance, he sais he is dumping her for someone else? I dont know how to make him look like a bad guy who "takes away her innocence". And I need the audience to care about the girl, and her emotions. This is so difficult!

DigiteyeZ
posted 02-28-2001 02:29 AM
maybe the guy should be a real jerk. He pressures Anna and mistreates her, verbally and maybe a little physically. You want the audience to feel sorry for Anna, right? Not for the boyfriend. For the moral to be right, He has to be the bad guy (otherwise why would she leave him?). You don't have to make him evil, but just show that he mistreates her and takes advantage of her. He's just a jerk that keeps saying sorry without changing his actions. Anna's dilemna is deciding she's strong enough to stand up for herself and leave him.

idea: Since Anna is relating to the birds, why not have her see a male bird affectionately fluff his partner's feathers or something gentle like that. It would tell her what a relationship is supposed to be like. That might add more depth to the bird thing.

these are just ideas, and may be getting away from your original idea, but use em if you want. as long as you put some kind of negative light on the boyfriend, and show through action/words the hurt that Anna's feeling, that will help the audience to care. good luck!

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