THOUGHTS on my Script

Thanks in advance!

Here's the URL
http://www.voodooextreme.com/files/ItHappens.doc

(THE link IS case-sensative BTW)

Okay, I saw the usual spelling and **** like that, but the dialogue was weak at times. It would go from being cool, to being lame in a one-liner. I also didn't like the dialogue for Derrick. It just seemed too, cliche`.

Again let me tell you that I liked it, but after a while, I was wondering where you were going with the story. I thought it was good until Derrick came to Mark's house, then it went a little down hill. I also didn't like how the whole reason for the little "game" they played with Mark was because of Courntey's anniversary. It just seemed too fake. I was expecting her to say, "It was the night your father slept with my mother. That's why I dressed up in that cloak and the mask. I have to kill you...RRRRRAAAAGGGGGGHH!!!!!"

Please don't take this too seriously because they are only my opinions. Overall, it was good. Some dialogue was weak at times, and the ending was kind of lame. PS- How old are Justin and Mark?

I do like it; it is a good story.

Cyber

Expand a quick one line joke into a full fledged joke. For example:
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MARK

Why are you sleeping here?

JUSTIN

Elizabeth.

MARK

Huh?

JUSTIN

She puked on my bed last night.

MARK

Damn... what the hell happened
last night.
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Okay, time to expand and enhance. How? Well this occurs before the credits, we run film before the credits to act as fluffers. A Fluffer is, in pornographic terms, a person who gives blow jobs to the actors so that they are hard as tree trunks for the actual rolling of film. In comedy terms they're the second rate comedians who come out and tell a few jokes before the headliner shows up so the croud is prepped and ready for laughs and fun. In your case you are fluffing the audience for what's to come by running footage before the credits. We can tell that this film will be a bit on the comedic side rather than a war film. So how can we give the audience the best blow jobs? Expand on the joke, bring it from it's meager one line birth and raise it to a full fledged being ready for prime time.

And here's how I suggest you do it. (If you suspect that I've done a little fluffing in my forward you would be correct)

Initially your joke was to not explain what happend last night and leave it up to the imagination of the audience, which is good. But you also introduced the exciting experience of Elizabeth puking on Marks bed and let it die, not as good. I suggest you have Mark tell a story, then show the story with his voice over it as he's telling the story.

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MARK

Why are you sleeping here?

JUSTIN

Elizabeth.

MARK

Huh?

JUSTINs Room Interior night - fade in. JUSTIN with Elizabeth, making out, petting, having sex or drinking or cuddling or hits from a bong, what ever suits the plot.

JUSTIN (Voice over)

There I was (verb, what ever was chosen, IE sex, pot, boozing, I'll assume sex in this case just to make this easier.) with Liz. Things were going great, I had just unlocked that freaking pain in the ass bra she wears...

Close up on bra, it's satin with a cream and floral design.

MARK (voice over)

Ahhh... the one with all the flowers?

Close up on bra, white lacey. (if you know hwo to shoot a good transition it'll be cute for the audience. Try and make the bra seem to suddenly change within the shot at the sametime that the narrative changes.)

JUSTIN (Voice over)

Nonono, the white lacey one, freaking bra is locked like a bank vault! So I just got into the vault, when I hear this kinda gurgle comin' from her. I think "DANGER" and I get my tongue the **** out of her mouth, know what I'm sayin'? She looks at me with this kidna deer caught in headlights kinday way...

Close up on Liz with widening eyes and a kinda uncertain expression.

JUSTIN (Voice over)

She's sittin' there grumbling and growling and I know waht the ****'s coming, and just as I'm talling her to get her ass into the bathroom she freaking hurls on my bed. I only narrowly escaped myself.

Shot of MARK showing remorse.

JUSTIN (Voice over)

But wait! There's more! She says; "Sorry, I"m sooo Sorry!" (Use JUSTINs Voice but shoot with her mouthing the words) Then she bends over and pukes in my shoes! I'm at this point pleading with her to get in the bathroom freaking use the toilet. And you know, bless ehr soul, she tries...

Shoot justins kinda muted shocked (I can't believe this ****) reaction.

MARK

She didn't make it?

JUSTIN

Of course not.

Shoot JUSTINs intertior room.

JUSTIN (Voice over)

She almost makes it to the bathroom when she up and hurls into my fish tank! Not once but twice! How does someone so small ahve so much **** coming out of her!

MARK

Are the fish alive?

JUSTIN

Who knows.

MARK

Damn... what the hell happened
last night.

JUSTIN

I have a feeling we don't
want to know.

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This is just a suggestion.

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"I like to see things as I remember them, not as they were."

-Bill Pullman "Lost Highway"

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"I like to see things as I remember them, not as they were."

-Bill Pullman "Lost Highway"

As for the ending, I like the idea I wrote, but it is weak. I know it is :P It will gte a major rewrite...

As for the whole fluffing thing.... you are right. I felt that I kinda lost focus on the comedic aspect of the film half-way through, and that defintly needs to be worked on.

As for Derrick, I purposfully made him cliche... though I might want to explain why in the script (My idea was he watches WAY too many movies, much like myself)

Spelling and crap will come later... I wasn't too worried about that.

The Ass Mark comment... it can be taken either way. ass mark sounds funny

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"I like to see things as I remember them, not as they were."

-Bill Pullman "Lost Highway"